Are You Sabotaging Yourself?

Posted on by — 2 Comments ↓

success-vs-failure“Why is there such a word as perfect, if you can’t be perfect?!” 

My daughter’s words echoed through my mind.  She had asked me this question some time ago, when she was only six or seven.  But on this dreary, rainy morning I felt them tapping at my heart.  Yesterday had been anything but perfect.  My back problems have flared up again, causing both pain and disappointment.  And just when I thought I had conquered feelings of self-doubt about writing they were creeping to the surface again.  Worse yet, it had been one of those parenting days where I’m pretty sure I blew it.

“Why is there such a word as perfect, if you can’t be perfect?!”  I felt defeated.  I know I have high standards for myself, but am I expecting myself to be perfect?  Am I expecting that I should smile and laugh in the face of pain?  Am I expecting that I will never make a mistake and yell at my children?  Maybe I am sabotaging myself with these unreasonable standards.

That’s when my mother called.  I hadn’t planned on telling her about my bad day.  I didn’t really want to confess the fact that I was at odds with my daughter, but my need overcame my pride and I told my mom about the previous day’s debacle.

Do you know what my mom said?  My mom who has never once yelled at me?

“Accept the fact that you’re imperfect.  We are all in the process of becoming more like Christ.  It’s good for your kids to see you fail.  We all fail.  Failing doesn’t mean you’re a failure.  Emily will know that you are real.  She can grow up acknowledging that she can’t be perfect either, and she can keep growing.”

Her words were like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.  They brought truth and hope.  And I for one planned to hold onto this hope with both hands.

I am not perfect.  I fail, but I am not a failure.  I love.  I hope.  I am not quitting.  I am in process.

The Lord will work out his plans for my life—for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever… (Psalm 138:8 NLT)    

Are you sabotaging yourself by expecting perfection?  How can you begin to look at your life as a process not a product?

Don’t Mess With My Routine!

Posted on by — 2 Comments ↓

metronomeI slipped into my seat a little early for a change that Sunday morning.  So this is what’s it’s like not rush into church out of breath, with sweat dripping down my back.  Things had been a little hectic with volunteering at the church and having two little ones.  I took a deep breath and sighed; I couldn’t wait for the service to start.

That’s when it happened.  I’m not sure what to call it, except maybe ridiculous.  From directly behind me I heard an annoyed voice say, “She’s sitting in our seats.”  I froze.  Maybe if I don’t move they’ll forget about me.  “Well, where are we supposed to sit?”  The man and his wife were clearly confused and aggravated by my presence.  Eventually they sat down in the completely empty row behind me.

A few minutes later, my Grandfather arrived.  The man commented to him, “You Granddaughter is sitting is our seats.”  Well, this is where I just couldn’t help myself.  As lightheartedly as I could I turned around smiling and said, “Oh, I didn’t see your name on them!”

I honestly don’t think that this couple meant to be rude. They were simply taken aback when their routine was disrupted.  They had an entrenched habit to sit five rows back on the north side of the church every Sunday morning and I had upset the order.

What do you do when your routine is thrown off course?  Do you respond with frustration, anger, or disbelief?  Maybe the unexpected leaves you stuck and unable to move forward.

I have to admit that I love my routine.  In fact, I wish I could have a little more routine and structure in my life.  But when the unexpected happens how can we react with grace?

How to Handle Disruptions in Your Routine

Attitude:  J. Sidlow Baxter writes, “What is the difference between an obstacle and an opportunity?  Our attitude toward it.  Every opportunity has a difficulty, and every difficulty has an opportunity.”  When things don’t go as planned, embrace an attitude of gratefulness.  It is then that you are able to turn the ordinary interruptions into the extraordinary chances for growth.

Flexibility:  When we are flexible, we are approachable and more open to change.  The more flexible I have become, the more I am able to respond to situations with openness and grace.  And when I mess up, I can bounce back with greater ease.

Motivation: Sometimes our greatest disruptions come in the form of self-doubt and discouragement.  Identifying your motivations in life is a powerful catalyst for getting you back on track.  What inspires you?  What makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning?  It might not be the task you are doing but the people you are doing it for.

Whatever we face we can take comfort in knowing that we are not alone in our struggle.  God is with us.  He goes before us, and He promises to never fail.

Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.  (Deuteronomy 31:8 NLT)

When was the last time your routine was disrupted and how did you handle it?

Quit Doing Your Husband’s Job!

Posted on by — 4 Comments ↓

husbandwifeQuit doing your husband’s job!  I know this is a somewhat bossy and presumptuous statement, but I have never been accused of being indirect.

I have been thinking about this for months, but after this weekend it all became clear to me.  I just spent 3 days and 2 nights away from my family at a conference for writers.  It was an amazing time where I was inspired, equipped, and educated.  I loved every minute of it!  Driving home from the event I realized that I would never have enjoyed this life-changing experience if I hadn’t quit doing my husband’s job.

I know that might sound weird, but it’s true.  When Michael and I were first married, before we knew that he had Bipolar disorder, I slowly began doing his job for him.  Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about things like, guys take out the trash and girls do the house work; Michael and I have found a way to work together as a team in our home and with our children.  I’m talking about something much more subtle and yet vitally important.

In those early years of marriage I felt things were unstable with Michael.  My feelings were valid:  I wasn’t sure who I would be waking up with in the morning.  I thought if I made things as simple as possible for him, he would be less burdened, and therefore happier.  This was a huge mistake.  I began depending less and less on him and depending solely on myself.

The kind of “help” that I was offering actually left Michael feeling worthless.  Maybe he didn’t have anything to contribute, he thought.  It sure seemed like I had it all wrapped up.

All of my frantic over-functioning left me feeling abandoned.  I was doing and doing because I thought I had to, but I didn’t really want to.  In the end Michael became detached from our life together, and I was resentful.

I can never say enough about the difference Michael’s diagnosis and subsequent treatment has made on our marriage.  But when I quit doing my husband’s job some equally amazing things happened.  Michael stepped up to do the job he was called to do.  And guess what?  He does it better than I do.

I asked Michael, “How do you view your job as a husband and a father?”

He answered without pause, “My job is to guide, to provide and to support.  That’s how I serve my family.”

And that’s exactly what he did when he encouraged me to pursue my dreams at the writer’s conference.  He provided, guided, and supported me in every way possible.  I couldn’t be happier that I quit doing my husband’s job and finally gave him the chance to do it himself!

The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways…Proverbs 14:8 (NIV)

Do you and your spouse agree on your roles or jobs within the marriage?  Do you struggle with jumping in and doing your spouse’s “job” when you don’t think they are doing it well? 

Are You Burned-Out?

Posted on by — 4 Comments ↓

burnedoutAre you tired, worn-out, burned-out and ready to quit?  You might be caught up in the epidemic of self-reliance.  Our culture celebrates the self-made man and woman, and although there are many positives to ingenuity and hard work, we often go astray when we rely solely on ourselves to the exclusion of God and community.  There is an alternative to living in this exhaustion and hopelessness.  “Who among you fears the Lord and obeys his servant?  If you are walking in darkness, without a ray of light, trust in the Lord and rely on your God.”  Isaiah 50:10-11 (NLT)

(If you are having trouble viewing the video, click here.)

In March, I was one of a dozen speakers at the SHE Leads—Her Voice Conference put on by the Northwest Women’s Leadership Team.  I am so honored to be a part of this ministry which has enabled me to serve the women of the Northwest over the past 9 years.   This was our first leadership conference which focused on equipping women who have a desire to train to hone their speaking skills.

It was such an incredible success that we have decided to have two more conferences next March.  If you are interested in speaking click here to learn more.

In what ways do you get caught up in epidemic of self-reliance?  How can you begin to rely on God?

 

Do You Value Convenience Over Calling?

Posted on by — 2 Comments ↓

valuesWhen my son Benjamin began attending youth group last year, I committed to shuttling him back and forth.  This was not the most convenient arrangement, as our church did not have a youth group on campus and the drive was about 25 minutes one-way.  Maybe it was the fact that my parents have always put themselves out for me, but the choice seemed obvious.  I would make the drive for Benjamin because I value the influence that a church youth group has at this pivotal time in my teenage son’s life.

Lately I have wondered if we don’t value convenience over our life’s calling?  It can be tempting to do so in our fast-paced and busy lives.  One definition of convenience is:  freedom from discomfort, ease.  When we focus on convenience, we focus on ourselves.  What’s best for me?  What’s in it for me?  How will this affect me?

When we choose to live a life focused on calling, a transformational shift occurs—we focus on others.  The first definition of calling is: a strong inner impulse toward a particular course of action especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence.  The second definition of calling is: the vocation or profession in which one customarily engages.

Calling is firstly about a strong conviction of divine influence.  As a follower of Christ, my primary calling is to follow the command Jesus gives us in John 15:

“Remain in my love…When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love…This is my commandment:  Love each other in the same way I have loved you.  There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”  John 15:9-13 (NLT)

Are we willing to go out of our way for people?  Will we sacrifice ourselves in order to serve our spouses, our children, or our friends?  Will we bring a meal to someone who is sick?  Will we help a family in need?  Will we lay aside our own plans in favor of someone else’s?  Will we inconvenience ourselves for others?  Will we love?

My prayer is that we would focus upon the first definition of calling:  Remain and abide in Christ’s love.  It is then that we will obey His commandment and love one another as Christ has loved us.  It is then that we will begin to be more effective in the second definition of calling:  Our vocation or profession.

In each stage of our journey, may we never let the details of our daily life eclipse the greater mission of God: to stay connected to Him and to love others as He has loved us.  In our families, in our vocations, in our churches, as we serve; “Let love be your highest goal.”  1 Corinthians 14:1 (NLT)

How can you begin to choose calling over convenience?

Quit Worrying and Start Living – Now!

Posted on by — No Comments ↓

worry“We don’t have much time left,” my husband commented to me after a particularly rough day of parenting Ben and Emily.  “What if I haven’t done all I should have done?”  He seemed more emotional and distressed than I had ever seen him before about our children.  Lately the kids have been struggling in their relationship with one another, and it came to head with a war of words that were not at all kind.  Michael was worrying, as was I, that we were not doing enough to instill honor and respect.

The next morning I couldn’t help but to think of a quote about worry versus concern by Gary E. Gilley I had read in Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World:  “Worry is allowing problems and distress to come between us and the heart of God.  It is the view that God has somehow lost control of the situation and we cannot trust Him.  A legitimate concern presses us closer to the heart of God and causes us to lean and trust on Him all the more.”  Joanna Weaver goes on to say that “Concern draws us to God.  Worry pulls us from Him.”

Michael and I have a genuine concern for our children.  It is vitally important that we take this time to teach, instruct, discipline and guide.  But it is not profitable for us to spend our energy worrying and therefore miss out on living life with our children.

What about you?  Are you worried today?  Do you find yourself obsessing over a laundry list of problems?  Are you frantically trying to solve issues without looking to the Lord for guidance?  There is no question that we all face worries and concerns.  The question is what will we do with them?

3 Ways to Quit Worrying and Start Living Now!

Power of Prayer:  My mind can be a pretty tricky playground.  I can think and think and think and think some more.  I end up thinking I prayed about my worries when all I have done is to rehash them in a variety of different ways.  This is where a journal comes in handy.  Don’t be intimidated,  don’t edit yourself—just write.  Laying down your thoughts is a powerful step to letting them go.  The double benefit is to look back and see how your prayers have been answered.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.”  Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

Power of Fearless Living:  Corrie ten Boom writes, “Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear.”  Fear is usually at the root of our worry.  We don’t know the future, we are uncertain of the road to take, and we want some answers.  Fear only has power when it’s hidden.  Once we bring fear out of the dark we can determine if the fear represents true danger or if it signifies something that is holding you back from moving forward in life.  Fearless living isn’t denying fear, but acting with boldness in spite of it.

Power of Healthy Diversions:  I recently received a call from a friend whose husband had just had a serious back surgery.  I asked how he was doing, and she answered, but then said, “I really called because I’ve been researching a trip to Mexico for us, and I can’t wait to tell you about it.”  She had done what most of us fail to do.  She had taken a healthy diversion away from her worry.  She shifted her focus and reminded herself that this trial is only temporary and there will be better days ahead.  It can be as simple as a walk beside the water, reading a good novel or laying in a hammock (two of my friends actually have these!).  Do what you love, not as an escape, but as a reminder that we can have joy in the midst of trouble!

Jesus spoke to His disciples just prior to His death and resurrection saying, “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me…I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”  John 14:1, 16:33 (ESV)

We can quit worrying and start living, knowing that despite our trials, Jesus has overcome.

How will you choose to quit worrying and starting living, today?         

Celebrating the Legacy of Motherhood

Posted on by — 2 Comments ↓

legacyReflecting on motherhood this week, I couldn’t help but to think of all the ways that my mother has impacted my life.  Maybe you feel this way about your mom too, but I honestly believe that I have the best mother in the entire world!  I could write pages about those pivotal moments in my life when she listened, prayed, shared wisdom, love and insight.  Simply put, she was and is the perfect mom for me.  She embodies what it means to love with a sacrificial love, an unconditional love, a love that rings clear and true.

Over the years, I have especially enjoyed watching her mother other children who were not her own.  Some of these children were young people in our church who needed a mother’s touch.  Some were my mom’s own friends, and some were even my friends, who benefited from the pure love and affection that my mother gives with warmth and ease.

Recently I saw her do this in a very tangible way with a close friend of mine.  She was feeling a little unsure of herself and needed encouragement, so my mom sought her out and cheered her on as if she were her own daughter.

It was then that I realized another legacy my mother had passed onto me, probably without even thinking.  It is a legacy of mothering.  It is a heritage of loving outside the box.

I, too, have been mothered and loved by women who are not my natural mother, and I honor them today.

To My Mom-in-Love Karen (I just call her Mom), who mothers me through worthy advice, perspective, laughter, and the sharing of memories.

To Lori, who mothers me through song, listening, time, and sweet hugs.

To Barbara, who mothers me through thoughtful words and deeds, straight talk, endless support, and a writer’s inspiration.

To Doris, who mothers me through the wisdom of her years, Godly kindness, prayerful care, and sincere smiles.

To all the other women, friends, and mentors along life’s pathway, I honor you.  I honor you through the mothering of my own two babies.  I honor you through the lives I prayerfully reach out and touch with the love that you have shown to me.

To each one of you reading this today:  You are all a reflection of God, made in His image, and you have the opportunity to mother as you love, and to lay down your life for your children, whether they are your natural children or not.

So live the extraordinary life, and love well.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God…1 John 4:7 (ESV)

How have the women in your life, left you a legacy of love?  How can you begin to do the same?

How My Marriage Is Surviving Mental Illness – Part 3

Posted on by — No Comments ↓

PrintNOTE FROM ANGELA:  I can’t wait for you to read the conclusion to Michelle’s Story of Hope (Click to read:  Part 1 or Part 2).  Michelle shows us what it looks like to beat the odds and find God’s perspective on the value of the man He entrusted her to love, honor, and cherish.

During one of Tim’s destructive rants in our yard, I called the local mental health crisis line; a calm voice on the other end told me that this was mental illness.

I despised that term and the shame it carried with it, but I listened as this man explained to me that my husband, the man I fell in love with, was still in there and that he was suffering.  We set up an appointment with a behavioral health clinic for the next day.  My husband agreed to join me only to prove me wrong.

Soon after came the bipolar schizoaffective disorder diagnosis.  Painful words to hear but through the pain I had found purpose, and now I knew the monster we were fighting.  I had hope—we had hope.

Before I could help my husband with his diagnosis, I first had to help myself.  I needed to take responsibility for my part in our struggles.  I had to get over the embarrassment of having a mentally ill husband.  I educated myself on the disorder, found out it was not necessarily a death sentence, and that he was not going to kill us all in our sleep.  I learned how to talk to my husband and to set boundaries.  I reached out to family and friends for support.  Wouldn’t you know it my friends from Bible study came over with meals, held my hand, prayed, and folded laundry?

Tim went to treatment and took his medications, although he didn’t feel he needed the medications, he was doing it for us, and that was all I needed.  It took months for the mood stabilizers to reach therapeutic levels and to find the right cocktail of anti-psychotics and sleep aids that would work for him.  During this season, I found strength and peace in God, the support of family and friends, and the fleeting glimpse of my husband emerging out of the psychosis.

I’d like to give you the “happily ever after” here, the fairy tale ending.  I’d love to tell you that we are freed from the prison of mental illness forever and my husband is a cured man.  But I’d just be blowing smoke.  Mental illness can take life; it can destroy families and wreaks havoc if left untreated.

The good news is today I have my husband back, and our children have their father; it’s been a long painful scary road but having Tim stable made it worth each step.  We still have bad days like everyone else but the madness no longer rages.  Tim’s mood swings no longer send me into a  constant state of panic, they send me to my knees where I find peace in knowing Jesus is always faithful. 

On a day like today you could find Tim playing trains with our sons, pushing our daughter on the swing or even find them all down at the river throwing rocks and just hanging out.  It’s the simple joys in life that heal and create beauty out of the scares.                   

I firmly believe God gave me Timothy because I would love him and not back down when things got hard.  God took us on this journey and shifted us, burning off old tattered ropes, and healing our hearts, bringing us closer to Him and to each other.  Our marriage is better than ever!  I admire the strength it took him to find insight and accept help.

The day Tim bought me some soft white light bulbs and a new garden hose I cried.  I hadn’t mentioned needing them for some time and truth be told I stopped expecting that kind of thing from Tim.  It was a small gesture but it meant he was thinking of me.

Tim is sad he has to deal with mental illness and take medication for the rest of his life but he is grateful for his family’s love, encouragement and the trust we have built surviving this daily battle together.  We can even laugh about the toppled Christmas tree now.

“You know that was funny Michelle, admit it, it’s funny.”  He says laughing.

“Yeah it’s funny alright, stupid but funny you big crazy nut ball.”  I tease.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”  Tim says, putting his arm around me.

“I know honey just don’t you ever forget it.”

mental_health_awareness_ribbon_postcard-p239140026495883302qibm_400[1]How have you found hope in Michelle’s story?  What are some positive ways you can fight the stigma of mental illness?

Michelle Moore is a wife and mom of 4 active children.  She is a volunteer speaker for NAMI of Clackamas County.  She has a talent for being witty and loves using comic relief to make others smile, although her children would disagree.  When she’s not sorting socks, she enjoys reading, writing, and walking her dogs, Buck and Daisy.  Michelle and her family live in Oregon.  You can contact her at faithmmoore@yahoo.com

 

How My Marriage Is Surviving Mental Illness – Part 2

Posted on by — No Comments ↓

PrintNOTE FROM ANGELA:  I am so pleased to share Part 2 of Michelle’s Story of Hope (if you missed Part 1 you can read it here).  Michelle gives us a raw look at what it’s really like to face mental illness head on.  Her thoughts and feelings are honest, painful, and well worth the read.

Earlier that day he had been at our local hardware store.  He told me that there was a conspiracy and that the voices were telling him to destroy the shelves of bug spray.  More voices had him pushing over a 10 foot Christmas tree display in front of the store.  The police were called and they let him go home with a written warning, bug spray for our new 10 foot Christmas tree, and a large black pocket knife.  All I could do was cry.

“People are messing with me,” Tim explained, “See that blue car, they are messing with me.”

“Are you crazy?  Do you even hear what you’re saying?  No one is after you, and no one cares!”  I cried frustrated.

“If this isn’t happening then I need to be locked up because I am crazy, I’m out of my mind.  Iamoutofmymind.  I.  Am.  Crazy.  Crazy.  Crazy.  You can’t tell me you didn’t see the codes about bombs on that TV show…you can’t… Tellmeyoudidnotseethecodes!” Tim ranted waving his arms about the car.

Maybe it’s a brain tumor, I told myself, a brain tumor would be better than crazy.  I prayed for a tumor as I sat in the ER, Tim pacing the room muttering non-stop about upside down electrical outlets and triangles, asking why the nurses were wearing blue.

“You’re messing with me!  You are in on it!”  He told me.  “When are you going to stop bluffing Michelle?”  Tim asked.

Oh dear God please let this be the tumor talking.

Tim spent three weeks in a psychiatric care center on a non-voluntary hold. 

I told the doctors, I feared for my safety and I didn’t want him home.

I found it hard to reach out to family and friends.  The label mental illness is shameful; I didn’t want anyone to know.  I didn’t want them to know my husband was in a mental ward, that he had lost his mind and was preaching to the walls.

Breathe Michelle, breathe. 

I’d try and tell myself I was overreacting, knowing this would get better, it had to get better.

“It gets worse before it gets better,” they tell you.  “”Just take care of yourself,” they say.  But all I can think is, Who are these Polly-Anna people and what do they know about taking care of “you” when there are so many other people to take care of! 

Let’s be real here:  Having a husband locked up in a mental hospital stinks.  If my husband was in the hospital because he had cancer or was hit by a truck the whole world would be banging down my door bring meals, folding laundry, holding my hand, and praying with me.  No one brings a casserole and starts a prayer chain for the family of the psycho in the funny farm.

This would not be Tim’s first stay in a hospital for his mental illness.  The diagnosis of bipolar schizoaffective disorder would come later; his manic episodes would consume the family and have me in a constant state of anxiety.  His madness would spin on for days, sending him out of our house and into the woods to find Jesus, the Holy Ghost, or Batman; he would come home wet and bruised.

I was suffocating from the panic and the daily crisis, finding Tim walking the streets at 3 am, finding the fires he had set in the back yard, finding checks for hundreds of dollars given to churches.  Tim wouldn’t talk to me, and wouldn’t touch me.  When confronted he would tell me he wasn’t doing anything wrong, wasn’t hurting anyone, I was the one that needed to take meds, I was the one with the problem.

I was scared, bitter, resentful, and thinking meds sounded really good.  The kids were scared and calling their daddy crazy.  I was talking through swarms of angry hornets again.  I felt stuck, trapped and wanted to run, wanted out of this madness.  I made plans to leave Tim.  The idea of living with this man for another day or another hour was sucking me under like a rip tide, I could no longer subject the kids to his insanity.

It wasn’t until I hit my own breaking point that I reached out for support.  I fell on my face and prayed…(Don’t miss the conclusion to the story on Wednesday!)

Are you at a breaking point today?  You might not be facing the same hope[1] (2)circumstances but we all need support; from God, from one another, and many times from a professional.  Don’t let shame and fear keep you in isolation!

Michelle Moore is a wife and mom of 4 active children.  She is a volunteer speaker for NAMI of Clackamas County.  She has a talent for being witty and loves using comic relief to make others smile, although her children would disagree.  When she’s not sorting socks, she enjoys reading, writing, and walking her dogs.  Michelle and her family live in Oregon.  You can contact her faithmmoore@yahoo.com

How My Marriage Is Surviving Mental Illness-Part 1

Posted on by — 2 Comments ↓

PrintNOTE FROM ANGELA:  This story of hope is very special to me because I have watched Michelle walk this journey first hand.  She has never sugar coated the very real fears and frustrations of this life and she has never given up hope.  Whether or not you are walking this journey, I pray you will find encouragement in her words and an open heart for those facing mental illness every day.    

On December 11, 2010, I found myself standing over my husband as he lay in the gravel on the side of our home with a can of bug spray in his hand.  The pockets of his jeans and coat were turned inside out and the contents were scattered about him like a sad collage of his life.  His wallet lay limp and empty; a yellow Bic lighter cracked from abuse, the burnt reminisce of an empty pack of Marlboros, the keys to his piece of junk car, and a large black switchblade knife I had never seen before.

This was bad and I felt it in my bones, my jaw tightens and my nails dug into the palm of my fists as I stared down at this man.  Tim’s eyes opened glossy, blood shot and closed again without seeing me.  Drugs, he must be on drugs!  The thought ran across my mind and shot back out.  But he’s never used.  If not drugs then what! 

We have been here before, not this bad, but I’d known something was off about Tim’s thinking.  Five years ago when I was pregnant with our third son, Tim had been guarded and talking in riddles.  Our marriage had gone downhill.  Talking to Tim was like talking through an angry swarm of hornets.  He was hard to understand and some of the words stung.  After a year of marriage counseling, a lot of crying for me, and some anti-anxiety medication for Tim, things got back to somewhat normal.

“Tim!  Get up!  What are you doing?”  I yelled down at him.

“I’m just sleepy.  God told me to lie down on the yellow line to China.”  ” he mumbled.

“Are you kidding me?  Is this a joke because I don’t think it’s funny!  Get up!”

I turned in circles assessing the situation I was faced with—four kids in the house and a husband out of his mind and lying in the dirt.  Part of me hated him for doing this to us, hated him for being weak, for wrecking our family, for acting like a jerk and embarrassing me.  I hated his crazy talk, his blaming, his accusations, and his odd behavior; I hated his new black clothes, new psychedelic music, and his new smoking habit.

Who was this man with the empty pockets and empty stare?  I stood paralyzed, rage stinging my eyes, and fear gnawing at my gut.

What I didn’t know, as I stood over my husband of 10 plus years, the father of my four children, was his suffering.  The stress of providing for a family of six, working, and going to school had broken his spirit and pushed his mind over the edge of insanity.

Tim was in the grips of a manic episode that had been raging for weeks.  He had been battling psychotic symptoms brought on by bipolar schizoaffective disorder.  Tim was suffering from visual and auditory hallucinations, paranoid delusions, racing thoughts and insomnia.  His mind was a dark scary place and to him it was all real.

After several frantic phone calls, I put my disorientated husband to bed, packed 4 kids, 2 shot guns and a dog into the minivan, and made the hour drive to my parent’s house.  Fighting back tears, my mind replayed everything we had been through over the last several weeks: the accusations of conspiracy and betrayal, the odd behavior, mood shifts, and delusions of grandeur.  Tim had been drifting away from the family and I couldn’t stop the tide from taking him.

Returning home, I drove Tim to the ER.  The car ride was full of rants about the second coming of Christ, codes the TV’s were sending about the end of the world, Coke vs. Pepsi.  He seemed to step over the edge of reality and told me the events that led to his collapse on the side of our home…

How can you show true love and community to people struggling with mental illness? 

Michelle, Tim and their 4 children live in Oregon where they enjoy the simple pleasures of being close to family and friends.  (Find out more about Michelle in Part 2 & Part 3)