Quit doing your husband’s job! I know this is a somewhat bossy and presumptuous statement, but I have never been accused of being indirect.
I have been thinking about this for months, but after this weekend it all became clear to me. I just spent 3 days and 2 nights away from my family at a conference for writers. It was an amazing time where I was inspired, equipped, and educated. I loved every minute of it! Driving home from the event I realized that I would never have enjoyed this life-changing experience if I hadn’t quit doing my husband’s job.
I know that might sound weird, but it’s true. When Michael and I were first married, before we knew that he had Bipolar disorder, I slowly began doing his job for him. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about things like, guys take out the trash and girls do the house work; Michael and I have found a way to work together as a team in our home and with our children. I’m talking about something much more subtle and yet vitally important.
In those early years of marriage I felt things were unstable with Michael. My feelings were valid: I wasn’t sure who I would be waking up with in the morning. I thought if I made things as simple as possible for him, he would be less burdened, and therefore happier. This was a huge mistake. I began depending less and less on him and depending solely on myself.
The kind of “help” that I was offering actually left Michael feeling worthless. Maybe he didn’t have anything to contribute, he thought. It sure seemed like I had it all wrapped up.
All of my frantic over-functioning left me feeling abandoned. I was doing and doing because I thought I had to, but I didn’t really want to. In the end Michael became detached from our life together, and I was resentful.
I can never say enough about the difference Michael’s diagnosis and subsequent treatment has made on our marriage. But when I quit doing my husband’s job some equally amazing things happened. Michael stepped up to do the job he was called to do. And guess what? He does it better than I do.
I asked Michael, “How do you view your job as a husband and a father?”
He answered without pause, “My job is to guide, to provide and to support. That’s how I serve my family.”
And that’s exactly what he did when he encouraged me to pursue my dreams at the writer’s conference. He provided, guided, and supported me in every way possible. I couldn’t be happier that I quit doing my husband’s job and finally gave him the chance to do it himself!
The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways…Proverbs 14:8 (NIV)
Do you and your spouse agree on your roles or jobs within the marriage? Do you struggle with jumping in and doing your spouse’s “job” when you don’t think they are doing it well?
Are you tired, worn-out, burned-out and ready to quit? You might be caught up in the epidemic of self-reliance. Our culture celebrates the self-made man and woman, and although there are many positives to ingenuity and hard work, we often go astray when we rely solely on ourselves to the exclusion of God and community. There is an alternative to living in this exhaustion and hopelessness. “Who among you fears the Lord and obeys his servant? If you are walking in darkness, without a ray of light, trust in the Lord and rely on your God.” Isaiah 50:10-11 (NLT)
When my son Benjamin began attending youth group last year, I committed to shuttling him back and forth. This was not the most convenient arrangement, as our church did not have a youth group on campus and the drive was about 25 minutes one-way. Maybe it was the fact that my parents have always put themselves out for me, but the choice seemed obvious. I would make the drive for Benjamin because I value the influence that a church youth group has at this pivotal time in my teenage son’s life.
“We don’t have much time left,” my husband commented to me after a particularly rough day of parenting Ben and Emily. “What if I haven’t done all I should have done?” He seemed more emotional and distressed than I had ever seen him before about our children. Lately the kids have been struggling in their relationship with one another, and it came to head with a war of words that were not at all kind. Michael was worrying, as was I, that we were not doing enough to instill honor and respect.
Reflecting on motherhood this week, I couldn’t help but to think of all the ways that my mother has impacted my life. Maybe you feel this way about your mom too, but I honestly believe that I have the best mother in the entire world! I could write pages about those pivotal moments in my life when she listened, prayed, shared wisdom, love and insight. Simply put, she was and is the perfect mom for me. She embodies what it means to love with a sacrificial love, an unconditional love, a love that rings clear and true.
NOTE FROM ANGELA: I can’t wait for you to read the conclusion to Michelle’s Story of Hope (Click to read:
How have you found hope in Michelle’s story? What are some positive ways you can fight the stigma of mental illness?
circumstances but we all need support; from God, from one another, and many times from a professional. Don’t let shame and fear keep you in isolation!
“You never listen!”
My aunt recently commented to me, “It seems we have a knack for stopping by on birthday celebrations!” This isn’t hard to do as our family continues to grow. There are fifteen of us on my side of the family, with one more expected in September. There are only a few months of the year that you won’t find us baking a cake and singing Happy Birthday. Birthdays hardly seem extraordinary; in fact, they seem downright ordinary.