Note from Angela: I am honored to share my dear friend Brandi’s story of heartbreak, healing and hope. I personally walked with her through this time of sorrow and know that her words are sincere and genuine.
This is my story about finding hope through the biggest loss a mother could imagine. Hope is what you find in Christ when everything in this life seems empty. It’s funny how easy it becomes to take every moment we have for granted—every time we put something off for tomorrow or every hug and I love you we skip in the daily rush.
It was mid-morning on March 16, 2004, I was shopping at a local grocery store, and I wasn’t feeling very well. My period had been late, but that wasn’t unusual. I decided to randomly buy a pregnancy test and take it in the restroom at the store. I have never been one who likes to wait. As I was in the stall I was thinking to myself, “This is crazy!” I can’t be pregnant. Surprise. Positive! I was both happy and shocked.
I had a very normal, healthy pregnancy. My baby was very active, so it was alarming to me the morning of November 15, 2004, as I was getting ready for church and that I hadn’t felt the baby move much. I quickly ate a piece of lemon bread to “wake her up.” Sugar usually did the trick, but not this morning. I was only two weeks from my due date and I got a sinking feeling in my stomach: like something was wrong. I called the hospital and explained what was happening. They told me to come right in. I immediately began praying.
At the hospital I was quickly escorted to a little, dark, cold ultrasound room, a friendly nurse hooked me up to a monitor and squeezed some jelly on my belly. As quickly as she began to move the doppler around, her face dropped, and I knew it wasn’t good. I asked her if everything was ok, and she told me she couldn’t find a heartbeat, and the doctor would have to come in.
After the doctor checked the ultrasound, he told me the baby’s heart was not beating and I needed to deliver her immediately. I had never been so scared and confused, as I was at that moment. I was praying for a miracle. I was begging God not to take our little girl.
Forty-five minutes later, our baby girl was gone. She had a knot in her umbilical cord, and there was nothing anyone could have done to save her. We were devastated. Where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Was God punishing me for something? I was so confused. My spirit was crushed. I couldn’t understand why this had happened to me.
Even though I was surrounded by friends and family, I felt so alone. I was broken and honestly unsure if I could even go on. I needed Jesus to restore me, to restore my faith. I clung to the verse, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 (NIV). I had to believe beyond my current heartbreak. I had to let Him comfort me and hold me in His arms.
A dear friend of mine was praying for me at the time, and the Lord gave her a scripture that I have carried with me ever since. “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” Hebrews 6:19 (NIV)
I know that my sweet daughter is in the hands of Jesus, and one day we will meet again. This gives me great joy and hope.
There are times in our lives when our world gets turned upside down, when everything we know and believe about this life gets shaken. We feel hopeless and defeated. But, God has made promises to us and he will fulfill those promises. He never lies. He never changes. If we know that, really know that, deep in our souls, that knowledge gives us hope. And that hope is like solid ground for our soul. When tragedies happen, the Lord’s promises remain the same. His love never fails, it never gives up, and it never runs out on us.
After many years and countless prayers, I am healing from the loss of my daughter. The Lord unexpectedly blessed us with an amazing baby boy. We weren’t planning on having another baby, but we are so thankful for him. He is our joy and our reminder that when you trust the Lord through trials, He will restore you. I believe He reveals Himself to you in those moments.
There will always be an emptiness in my heart that will only be filled when I meet my baby girl in heaven. Regardless of your circumstance, trust in God; He is our hope, our refuge, and our strength.
Brandi and her husband have been married for 17 years and have 3 beautiful children. They live in Salt Lake City, Utah where they love being involved with their local church and spending time with friends and family.